I’m proud of myself. Saying that so plainly feels like a conceited thing to do, but it’s the truth. If I’m being honest with myself, I think I’ve always been more of a codependent person; I’ve always waited for someone to teach me things or show me the way, and I often get frustrated when I’m left to figure out how to do things on my own. I know I’m quite capable of doing things on my own, but I more often look to others for help, rather than trust in myself. I grew up with dreams of living a relaxed life and being taken care of, the traditional mindset of taking care of the home while my partner works. However, as wonderful as it is to be able to stay home and not work, I am not good at it. I can clean the house top to bottom, I can do loads of laundry perfectly, I can even do some yard work, but I can't cook. Well I can, but it's not anything too impressive. Over the last few months I've come to realize that I need to be actively challenging myself. I need to be learning, growing, fighting, I need to be moving towards something. Once I get to where I want to be, I can relax. But I'm not quite there yet.
Starting my own business - my own brand - is something I chose to do for me, because it felt like the next right step. It's not something anyone told me I should or needed to do, but something I thought of and executed completely on my own. I'm determined to remain true to myself throughout this endeavor because it is an extension of myself. I didn’t start my small business with the mindset, “Let me do this to make a lot of money.” My entire mission has been to just share myself with whoever is curious enough to look deeper, and ideally inspire others a little with my art and words. Originally I wanted to sell prints of my work, but that is a process I am still trying to figure out. With stickers, I thought, “this seems like fun, I want to try and do this.” While it was more of a spur of the moment idea, it did take a lot more work than I would have expected to see it through. Despite this, I've enjoyed every second of the process, from designing, to approving proofs, and ordering samples. Even trying to figure out the logistics of upgrading my website, while stressful, felt right.
I’m getting to a point where I’m developing a lot of big dreams for what I want my life to be and what I want to accomplish, and it’s time for me to start seeing these ideas into reality. My FRESH collection of stickers was intended to be an extension of my paintings which I love so much, and once I finally start selling prints those will again be the first designs I sell. Next month, I will be having a third launch of stickers to complete my FRESH collection, and I'll probably take a short break from developing new designs. I'm constantly writing down ideas of different art projects I want to start, but then don't ever actually start them, so I will be taking more time to devote myself to that. I don't want to be forcing myself to spew out large quantities of art, but I want to focus on the quality and what feels right for me. That means in time yes, I will be coming out with more stickers, but I'm also going to continue to expand my portfolio of artworks on my site. Ideally, I want to freshen things up with more ongoing projects rather than have my website become a retrospective on art solely from my college days.
I honestly have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to all of this. And while it’s difficult trying to navigate what needs to get done and how, I think it makes it easier for me. I already made the decision to sell stickers before I completely understood what it entailed. I feel that navigating blindly means I don’t get overwhelmed by the massive obstacles which may be in my way. It's harder for me to believe in myself when I am overwhelmed by the mountain of things ahead of me. I end up living in a constant state of fear and regret, and I don’t want to do that anymore. Walking into the unknown feels more like taking things one step at a time, and overcoming an obstacle as I meet it. I’m hoping the pride and confidence I’m developing in myself through Gothic Ray of Sunshine will help push me to reach for other career goals and dreams in my life. I can't wait to share it with all of you.
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