It has taken too long for me to come back and write. Just this post alone, has taken me over a month to figure out. I hadn't planned to launch my website and then go AWOL for a year. I’ve been at home the past few months - working, and cleaning, and driving myself just a little crazy self-reflecting on the past year. I graduated college, which honestly, I didn’t think I could do for a while there. I transferred to a 4-year university out of spite, I chose that school because I thought I would find love there, and I spent so much time being miserable. I am so good at doing things for the wrong reasons, yet somehow, I don’t regret any of it. I wanted to drop out - more than anything - and I remember in 2020, when I realized I was going to be at school for an extra year, I was genuinely devastated. I cried to my mother, who told me I could drop out if it would make me happy. Ultimately, it was the annoyance in my dad’s face when I mentioned it that pushed me to keep going. I was so horrified at the idea of having to go back there, because I hated being in Santa Barbara that much.
I would have never expected that I would become so happy there, I wouldn’t want to leave. I made friends in Santa Barbara before, but by the time I returned, most of them were done with school and onto the next chapter of their lives. I felt left behind, out of place, like there were a million other places I would have preferred to be; but I ended up meeting some of the most amazing people. I took a class which terrified me (shout out professor Kip Fulbeck and Personal Narrative). Because of it I learned how to open up and be vulnerable with strangers who became friends. I got a job in an industry I loved and I was so damn happy going into work. I would show up dolled up and draw on whatever scraps of paper I found in my down time. I started drawing for fun again, something I don’t even do now. I started showing up on my days off, or skipping class during my winter quarter to do extra work because of how much I liked it there. They may not have realized it, but my coworkers became my family, I loved them all for the ways they were there for me; whether it was as a comforting friend, a big sister, or a cynical, yet wise, elder. They all got me through a time when I was alone in a town that I hated being in.
However, when the time came, I knew I'd have to leave. I needed to come back to the family that raised me. This past year has been a different kind of journey, one that showed me I can never really plan for what the future will hold. Especially if I am in a negative mindset. A year ago I was so focused on being strong, on being driven, on just getting things done. But I’ve learned that I need to listen to what I need in the moment. The things I wanted for myself, that I just had the tiniest bit of faith in are the ones that came to fruition. I graduated school, I traveled, I worked and saved more money than I have before (I’m still in college debt though, don’t worry.) The best things that have happened in my life, happened unexpectedly. The best people I have met, came unexpectedly. When I was tired and angry and just thinking to myself, “I don't need this in my life right now.” But I did. And even though not everything was sunshine and rainbows and I am so happy about everything I’ve been through this year. I try not to live my life with regrets because I think about how far I’ve come. There are hopes and things I want in my future, but I can’t try to plan or control anything. I can only take what life gives me and push forward for me. But I can say I’m at a point where I don’t look at the future with dread. I let myself have hope, and try to keep my head up, and know no matter what shitty awful heart wrenching things I face, I will be okay.
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